If only I had this thing, I would be happy

Updated: Sep 4, 2019

I have been feeling less than desirable lately.


My partner has PTSD and is working on healing from his repeated traumas, so I am on my own to capture that feeling.


We have a relationship where I am allowed to date and he has no interest, so we practice one-sided monogamy. He has lovingly supported me in pursuing any and all of my desires. The other day I got an email from AOC's office, 10 months after I applied for a job with them, letting me know there was another position I might be interested in. It is for less than half the pay I make now and it is out of state. Despite the fact that I contribute heavily to the family's expenses AND the fact that we are buying a house, Chris sent me an email "DO IT!" When I told him I wanted to pivot directions with our business, he cheered it on. When I told him I wanted to date other men so that I could feel excited and desired, he told me that he wanted to make sure I was safe, but he supported me 100%.


But alas, here's the catch. I went from "This would be nice to go out with someone and feel like more than a mom again" to "I need this."


And that's where it gets into "If only" territory. "If only I had xyz, then I would be happy. Then I would be fulfilled. Then I would be creative again. Then I would be a better mom, a better partner, a better employee..." In some circles of women, ones who have read Pussy: A Reclamation, this is known as a "Biff" - giving your power away to someone or something that you think you need.


This If Only crept up on me. At first, it was just fun to get to know someone new. I felt excited and desired and my little universe felt full of possibility. I could not wait to see what would happen, where it would go.


Sidenote: I recently read an article about how a woman stays interested, and one of the things that stuck with me is she should feel that the man is fascinated by her. With that part, I agree. And if you do not feel that the person is fascinated by you, you have three options: (1) walk away, (2) pursue the If Only avenue, which is to pine and wonder and try to Make. It. Happen or (3) focus on your light and life force and see what happens.


One of my misplaced virtues is impatience. It can work for me if it has the right job to do, but often it pairs with the If Only and becomes this metaphoric foot-tapping wondering "WHY THE HELL HAS THIS NOT HAPPENED YET!?"


And then I remember. My body knows and it reminds me.


Marisa, there is no forcing things to happen. You do not chase. You attract. If it's not working, you do not try harder. You change course.

I just did this with my business. My plan of renting space and charging a higher amount for classes is not working, so I decided to do living room training and free events in public spaces until we purchase our own space.


And for all If Only's, we have to check ourselves. Is there something about us that feels undeserving of the thing? Are we giving ourselves permission to desire it without feeling as if our worth is connected to it?


This past week has been long and hard because of stressors like baby temper tantrums, and my pleasure reserve has been dangerously low. There is NO way I will attract the things I desire with no turn on and life force. If I show up to the world starved of pleasure, I will only be met with starvation back.


Be the thing you want. Be the change you want to see in the world, a quote often attributed to Ghandi, but here's the real one:


“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi

So, today I was reminded to show up for myself, to stop thinking that if only I felt desired by someone else that I could feel excited, fulfilled. I will refill my pleasure tank and take myself out on a date and do all the things I want someone else to do for me. I will become desire.


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